I went to sleep at 9pm last night and woke up at 12a.m. Ever since, I have not been able to sleep.
So, here I am at 530am and still awake (downloading movies off of the internet). So, far this week I have downloaded..."Becoming Jane", "Ratatouille", "A Mighty Heart", and "We Are Marshall". I also downloaded "The Notebook" by accident. It was supposed to be "Alien Vs. Predator: R". I got an update on my limewire which costed 67 bucks. I now have a turbo connection, better protection against spyware, and something else which I can't remember. It was supposed to be limewire pro but, I ended up with something called 360 sharepro. I don't know if it's the same thing.
Anyways...it seems to be working. It is really hard to find new releases and movies in the theatres but, sometimes they can be found. I just hope that I don't get a call from Cox communications (as my bro. did at home for downloading video games). That would put a damper on my downloading habits for sure. But, for now...I'm having fun. :)
There is not much new to talk about in my life. I need a job but...I have been putting it off. Everytime I have an interview...I feel dejected after they don't call me. I just don't have any job experience (who wants to hire a 29 year old with no job experience)? I suppose, I'll just have to keep searching.
I really just want to move back to FWB. I miss it and, I wish Blendi could find a good job there (and that we had the money to move). Perhaps a miracle will happen. My mom is handing out Blendi's resume' to some friends of hers. I am tired of Blendi being in the rental biz. He is home late every night of the week and too tired to do anything on Sundays. He is stressed out and tired all of the time (which causes many conflicts between the two of us which, I feel what not otherwise occur). I'm not saying things would be great if he didn't work late all of the time...but, they would definitely be better. Every waking hour, he is working. He comes home at midnight and, stays up for a couple of hours more just to be alive and not at work. Then he is always tired. He is on a salary so, he doesn't need to work this much. The pressure is high in his job to perform and get the numbers down. His boss was just fired last week and the boss above his boss was fired. He now has a new District Manager (who seems to be cool according to Blendi's first impression). He doesn't like for the employees to work overtime so, that's good.
Hopefully Blendi will have to start coming home earlier. I couldn't hope for more than 10pm but, it would be a start.
Blendi and I's relationship has been conflicted (up and down) for the past four years. We love each other...we hate each other, then love each other again.
I have suggested couples therapy but, Blendi vehemently refuses to even talk about it.
I think that getting back to church would help us feel more in touch with our spiritual lives and each other. I have made that a goal for this year. We also want to be married in the temple at some point and have a family. Blendi seems to think that we need to start having babies sometime this year. We will see about that. I do want to be a mother (but at the right time). I would never bring a child into a stressed out environment. We have to get some things solved with our financial situation and our relationship. Hopefully we will be able to progress on both of those issues. Something inside of me tells me that Blendi will mellow out more when he becomes a father but, it is just too much of risk to take. Things need to be settled between both of us before that happens. I don't like arguing and, I don't want tension in my life all the time. I can't stand it but, I can't seem to get away from what this relationship has become ( a constant struggle to not do anything wrong to upset my husband). Every time he gets mad at me...I retaliate by spending money or something stupid like that (which makes him mad again when he finds out). Sometimes...I don't even mean to make him mad. Last week I gave into these teenage kids that were selling magazine subscriptions...I was so stupid but, they looked legit. But, Blend got so pissed at me for spending 48 bucks and giving a check with our account info to total strangers. My mom was there and, she didn't say anything to stop me. But, it's my fault. I just feel like a horrible person and, I felt bad about it all of last week and until I told Blendi today that a check will be coming through. He just flipped out and, told me he wanted a divorce (which in turn made me mad). He got over it after a few hours at work but, it's not always like that. Sometimes it takes him a day or two to stop being mad at me and, I usually can't handle that so, we end up have some big screaming matches. I just wish that things like this would never happen. I just can't seem to be the right person for him. According to him...I keep making mistakes and messing up this relationship. It's just hard because, we never have money. That's why I need a job and independence I guess. It's a vicious cycle.
This is my venting space... I don't really expect anyone to help me or give me advice (but anyone can). I don't expect any magic answers. I just keep hoping that things will change. I don't know if they will but, I have to keep hoping. I love Blendi even though, I get so mad at him. I just hope that we will be able to work things out. I'm tired of hurting and hurting everyone around me with my hurt. That's a vicious cycle too I guess.
I have a lot of unresolved feelings tonight. Tomorrow will be a better day. Every day is better, every day that I understand more about my life, and that I have the opportunity to change things.